kids

Our kids are almost two now.  It is hard to write anything down due to fear and anxiety and all the mixed emotions that went along that bumpy road of infertility and fetal loss and all the strength it took to give up the seed-sowing journey to another woman.  It was hard to not be able to watch, interact, and be a part of the process of the time, that in history books and on tv shows, say is a time that is to be cherished and special. - a time to hold and bond with your husband and wink and smile at each other giddy with the life that is to come- meanwhile at home in reality we were grieving and post partum and overcome with every negative emotion due to the tragic and frightening and unconscionable horrific and painful horrendous loss of our son.  It was hard to see that the world would bring us joy and it was hard to think that if the world did bring us this joy how suddenly and how soon and painfully would it be taken from us.  As it happened, the babies were born early bringing up all the pain, suffering and sorrow of our previous ptsd.  Fear was a legitimate everyday concern.  Living through travesty and death once again was a huge, looming concern.  All we could do was learn to give it up to the Lord and trust in His plan and His world and His planet and have things go the way He wanted them to, for good or bad.  Placing our scrubbed and sanitized finger in the hot-house enclosure to let the small red creature barely resembling a human baby was all we could do and we did our best to cherish those moments- to cherish those babies while on earth- to love them weather they stayed or went.  Over weeks their health improved but it hasn't been until recently that we have gotten the all clear.  Now we run the risk of crazy, wild, child behavior and keep a keen eye on the slow vocal development.  Feelings of "maybe God will bless us with these babies for some time" now have started to sink in but fear of the unwanted future still lingers below the surface- on walks, in cars, any and all places "how is this day going to end in tragedy" is the haunting ever-present fear.  Prayers and reminders to lift it up to the Lord and He will do what is Best must be ever constant.

30 weeks

30 weeks.
Insanity; still working with it.
Pain is a lot less traumatic.
It has been a year and 5 months; would have thought I would be normal by now.
Surrogacy is no picnic.
Trying to get some excitement and hope going about the blessing of having a surrogate and twins coming but terror and fear still overwhelm me.  Jesus has given me strength each day and I hope it is His Will to help make me a mommy, give my husband some leniency, and heal my brokenness.

20

1 b 1 g

recruiting baby help

Anyone that wants to help let me know!

predesignating jobs if we need the help which we have been told we will

Opa's Jobs/ Jan
vacuuming
emptying garbage
dog walking
feeding dogs
feeding cats
making dog frozen treats
collecting chicken eggs
pool filter


Oma's jobs/ Bob
dishwasher
premaking baby formula
heating bottles
sanitizing nipples and binkies
feeding fish inside and out
chicken food


Random:  Aspen Justin
Mowing
dog poop
groceries
frozen food casseroles

washing machine - Sandy?


Sue has volunteered

14 weeks
she is over vomiting
still has headaches
really bad pain on her right side

I am more scared now than 5 weeks ago

we are on our fourth book trying to prepare
room painted
on the process of getting carpet

We still pray and it help bring peace

positive

bleeding last Sat- took till now to get over it. 7 weeks along with 2.  scared scared scared but praying about it.

failure

Days are so fuzzy and blurry and weeks go by and it is like they never were.  Head, heart, husband hurt.  Praying on top of prayers.  Grief group through church helps.  Feeling like a failure at life, at living, and getting through grief, at procreating, and giving to my husband what I "promised" through marriage.  Finding each day easier since April 3rd but harder at the same time.

nope

negative

$26,000 gone and nothing
on one 100% Blast
and one 95% A quality Blast

11 left

waiting

here to there

528 pages have been read and looked over. 400 have been signed or initialed. 35 have been overly filled out. blood tests galore. All of the rest of our life-strength is now with the escrow peeps, the company, kaiser and our womb-mom.  approx 5 emails a workday since 10/15 -it is now 12/14 (5 x 44= 220 emails min)  9 skype sessions, two doctor visits, and a few phone calls...we are getting closer.  I can see this happening.  I don't know where the money will come from but I am lifting that up to the Lord.

K

K is on day 11 of her BC and is feeling tired, lethargic, emotional, cry-face and bloated.  She is willing to push through but is not thrilled about the BC.  It is nice to know that I am not the only one effected!  She still seems in good spirits and really cute.


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/01/31/keith-urban-nicole-kidmans-daughter-faith-surrogate-birth-inspired-name_n_816192.html

Trying for surrogacy

So at this point oodles of money is going into this next venture. 
We have signed our life away.
We are just praying it works out.
We have Skyped with our surrogate and she seems great.
Lots of paper work, lots of risks...

I had a nightmare the other night that the Dr defrosted all our little embryos and our womb-mom wasn't ready and all was lost.  It is so scary.

So much pain and loss up to this point.  It is very hard to have hope!

Pictures we sent our surrogate #2

Humanity at its finest

     It feel like I have some sort of cancer slowly killing me.  I recoup and recover and then find myself succumbing to this disease of depression over and over and the saddest part is that no one is here for me.  I know a retired teacher, that I have met with three times, that has decided to befriend me recently but friends, family and coworkers have all abandoned me.  I try to wrap my head around it; they all have lives...no one likes dealing with sad people.  But even I have sent at least minimal text messages or emails to acquaintances that I know have suffered or are suffering and I do this even still in my pain and anguish.
    It is strange. I dont find myself to have a personality people dont like or can't handle.  Most people say I am kind and sweet and some people think I am outgoing.  So this makes it hard to contemplate being dumped.  If I run into someone they practically start tearing up and say things like  "You are so nice and have always been so wonderful.  It is a shame that this has happened to you."  So then?
    It is sad that I have built my life on a career that gives so much and yet from this world I receive so little.  I didn't go into it thinking 'Oh, I am going to receive so much' but in a time of crisis I would expect a little more than no one...a little more than two weeks later and we have forgotten about you.
   I have one friend that makes sure to text me  every three weeks and a husband who I have not been able to chase away no mater how angry, volatile, or sad I get.  I should be grateful for at least that and I am.  But when I do go back to work how do I face those people who have smiled at me and have had conversations with me and have been my work family for 9 years and in 5 months I have heard nothing from them.  They have my email, they can easily get my phone or home address.  I 'get' June and July but really -  you find out I am not going to work this year and you dont check in?  WHO DOESN'T DO THAT?

    And when I do go back, if I am so lucky,  there will be NO MORE smiles,  NO MORE hello's, NO MORE listening to your trite troubles....and don't you dare say 'Welcome back' or I might just say 'FUCK OFF! where were you when I wanted to die?'  and the sad thing is no mater how angry I am...I still care and I can still show it- and no mater how much I WANT TO STOP CARING i am better than  most-to-all the people in my life cause I still care and I still check in. The last 2 1/2 years I may have been a little slack but most people arent busy getting their dreams crushed, pulverized maybe, hindered maybe, but sucked dry not so. I still ask my friend how her dad is doing when he has cancer.  I tell my boss  four months later that I am still thinking about her and her loss of her husband.  etc etc etc  I mother effing check in.  I ask how people are doing after their dog dies.  I email,  I send a card and I still check in.  BUT I AM DONE or I am as done as I can be.  I am done giving.

Dear Doctor Haripotepornkul MD,

Dear Doctor Haripotepornkul MD,
I know on most days your job must be quite rewarding.  On the day I visited, it was not.  I must thank you for your kindness, your gentleness, your straight-forwardness.  On the day I met you my soul was ripped from my heart.  I can look back and laugh at everyday that I had cried before that day.  I have to thank you for your care.  I have to thank you for explaining so softly, with your gentle voice, what was to come.  I must thank you for your small hands that made each examination that much easier.  I must thank you for the tears you cried when you popped my sack and pulled my moving, live baby from me with the knowledge he was going to die.  Those tears, that heartbreak in your face, helped make me feel like I was not just another number.  I could tell you were heartbroken yourself;  It meant so much that you cried alongside me.

You took the extra effort to come back and to remove my placenta that did not want to budge.  You came back three times.  You came back and stayed with me even after your release time to be with me and stay with me and make sure that placenta was good and gone.  You knew my pain and knew I didnt want anyone but you.  You kept checking on me even though you could have passed me on to the next person. You knew the next doctor was going to be male and you knew I was uncomfortable with it.  I said once I would prefer a female and you hunted me down a woman doctor willing to work with me and a female nurse-in-training to work with me and my dying baby.  I can't say how I wouldnt have wanted ANY OTHER doctor to have helped me through the most devastating day of my life.  In all the anger, pain and sadness I carry with me,  it is with happiness that I can say that on that day I am glad that you were my doctor.  I do have one thing to have been grateful for and that is that you were working that evening and through the night.  I am grateful for your care.

The Lost Fight

Blood
of me
riped from my
    soul
torn from my
    heart
forced from my
    body
two years of self-inflicted
    pain
for a lifetime of
    nightmares, anguish, and fear

hysteroscopy

In June I found out I had uterine scar tissue; another soul-crushing blow.  I had thought that maybe in Sept I would be trying again in tandem with a surrogate.  This killed that hope.  Having my privates messed with again  gives me PTSD. The Sacramento operation had a three month waiting list (we got in at two months - in Folsom- because of a cancellation). The doctor told us it would take my uterus two months to heal internally before we could proceed with any next steps.

Of course the wait was nerve wracking.  Meanwhile I had/have PTSD when it came to hospitals, doctors, people near my vagina.  Feeling like there is/was still something more/extra wrong with my women parts hurt my soul more.  I just wanted fixed whatever I could have fixed, whatever I had control over fixing.  It is scary thinking i could get pregnant (1% chance) and have another baby die on me because of scar tissue.

The pre-op phone call- one week before:
I thought it would be informative. I thought I would be informed and have all my questions answered.  I was sick of looking things up on-line and seeing the bad stuff such as perhaps things like "woman dies from hysteroscopy" or "50% of hysteroscopies are successful" or some such thing.  I wanted to know how long it would take me to heal from the pain, how long would the operation would take, what I could and couldn't  do. 

Of course I dont get a single question answered- oh, no.  Instead a rude lady, who knew nothing about my person history, who didnt even know what operation I was undertaking and who definitely didnt know I lost a baby at five months and really could care less because she had 20 other people to call before she went home to her shitty life.   I had to answer the "150 questions" about family health and history that I literally had to answer twice already from the IVF and surrogacy stuff (4 pages of paper work each time and should really be readily available on my medical effing chart on the computer)...but I had to do it verbally this time- stupid.  and heartbreaking.

 THEN THEN THEN THEN she wants to ask me about what medications I am taking.  I say ambien to help me sleep and then she says she needs to go over what is on my medications history.  ok.  and she starts asking me about each individual IVF medication-  I say things to indicated 'hey, this is tough, this is from IVF, that is from IVF, she doesnt care and just wants me to shut up and say yes or no.   bitc* dont you know I lost a baby- whor*...but NO she doesnt know anything.  Progesterone- are you taking it? that it is for... Aspirin, are you taking it? it is for...  Are you taking estrogen, it is for... then all the medication I had for morning sickness that didnt ever help.  Zofran..it is for... SERIOUSLY KAISER?  Can YOU NOT HavE a column of past drugs?  Can you not look through the list and see if there would be any that would interact badly with the operation drugs and just quickly ask about those?   I wanted to throw the phone and hurt the bitc* and break something.  Ill rub salt in your wounds, whor*.  Anyway, good thing the husband was there so I could give  the phone to him. I said "I'm sorry I cant talk to you anymore" started crying AND She almost didnt let him answer the questions for me.  he tried to get through 10 more IVF drugs effing Kaiser retard shit.  Then she needed me on the phone 5 minutes later and by then I had tried to compose myself.  It took me a week to get over this.


Pre-Op apt 2 days before:
It was pointless.  It wasnt needed.  It could have been done over the phone. Why did we need to drive 2 hours for this?  Well, I guess he did look to see if the scar tissue was still there- and yes, it was.  He didnt tell me I would get an effing breathing tube down my throat when they put me under and that I would need soar throat drops for more than a week.  And he really should have said "get alka seltzer, ginger juice, soup, and tea"  He said "your tummy might be a little upset for a day or so" so I thought ok A LITTLE.  WRONG.  about four days of upset tummy.

I guess It was good that we went because THEY TOLD US THE TIME and of course they changed it WITHOUT TELLING us  (fourth time in the 8th month of working with them).  So, one and 1/2 days before the operation we are left with trying to change everything around AGAIN- like no one has a job or anything. 

operation day:
get up at 4
to leave at 5
to get to FOLSOM by 630 AM
Husbands parents were there to support us both (too early now for my parents and apparently I am not worth it- who cares if I die from some strange mess up)
I am glad they were there to talk with husband while I was under
I am glad they were there to talk to me while they were prepping me in the bed
and glad they were there when I woke up
nurse rushed us out of there in a hurry all rude while I was still groggy and could barely walk and she dressed my naked self- weird.  and said I am dressing you and doing it the way I want- ooooh k so glad you are the one helping me

healing:
throat hurt for over a weak
no heavy drugs needed- yay
cervix felt soar and strange for 7 days and a couple of instances after
swimming bothered me on day 4 even though they said I could shower and bathe
swimming was fine on day 6
didn't feel normal until day 8.

Doctor told husband I would be ready for starting the whole mess over again in a week (not two months)...

oh sure scrape me up and tell me this -
ugh

surrogacy

So not that I want to talk about it but...
Had a friend volunteer to be our surrogate (in May) and for 2 months kaiser seemed to lead us on that everything would be ok.  and even tried to have me give up on myself as an option and put all my eggs in one basket- the surrogate basket. 
They made us wait and come in and talk to the surrogacy person in charge (June).  A two hour? meeting talking about all that it will entail and how much it would cost.  They told us to have our friend call once she had her period.  We start figuring out the financials and getting mentally prepared.

Of course she gets it while we are on vacation (July) trying to wash our pain and bad memories away... While on vacation we had to contact kaiser 10 times and they didnt get back to us until the day we were home (MEANWHILE I am freaking out cause they said she needs to come in between day 3 and day 7 of her period and Lord knows I didnt want to wait ANOTHER month!) anyway they make an appointment for her to have a saline sonohistagram day 11.  She takes off work- we reschedule all we have to do and the MORNING BEFORE I say "watch them pull something funny like changing the time or cancelling or watch us get there and they are like 'what appointment?'" (they had done this at least 3 times in our 2 months working with them).  Then they call literally 1/2 an hour later and say "sorry, we cant use her as a surrogate.  She has high blood pressure." 

I am like whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.  I am so angry.  They had never seen her, never tested her, never seen any of her medical records...she told us she did have high blood pressure while he mom was dying over a year prior...all of this the doctor knew and said "Sometimes you have to use what you have available." But the kicker was they hadn't ever done an effing blood test or blood pressure test so WTF. 

I blew a gasket and was crushed yet again.  I had put all my hopes and dreams on this even though I knew things could go wrong but I had to be hopeful about something.  I had to make myself look forward to something after the death of my baby.  Something to get me through to the next day.

My husband called them twice and had to convince them to at least see her and they did and she had a fibroid so they said she would be able to do it if she was doing it for herself but that they couldnt do it if she was risking her health for us.  I was still livid that they tried to deny her before they had any medical records or history and/or tests or proof and that they led us on for so long.  I made the doctor aware of my unhappiness and they said they have changed the surrogacy process because of us and that they will now evaluate the surrogate before anything and I am still like HOW effing long have you been doing this? (in my mind)  You have told me you have had lots of surrogates and lot of people using friends as surrogates and this is the first time you did this? SERIOUSLY???  bull @#it.  This is the first time things didnt work out and you terrorized a family- great glad it could be us, effers.  So again my heart was broken and my trust in the medical system was killed yet again.  I wanted nothing to do with doctors or surrogacy.

And I have been trying to heal ever since.

"The following are questions for contemplation in whatever manner might help you discover some deeper truth about yourself. These questions can provide a framework for our sessions. You may want to write or journal to the ones that immediately appeal to you. Another way getting at truth is to write down any dream images that you are having. 

The following have to do with feeling stuck in some area of your life:"

1. Where am I rigid or resistant to change?

What does this mean?  I dont even understand this question.  everyday is full of changes. If a person isn't flexible then?  Where am I rigid?  I dont know when it comes to a comfy bed and good food?  Resistant to change?  I want change more than anything right now- a new life, a new career, a new place to live, to up and goooooooooo...I guess I can be stubborn and that I want what I want when I want it.

2. Where am I blocked by fear? The personality is often organized around fear--when we act out of fear, we are damning up the flow of the river of our life. When are times when you fearful and what is the fear about? Think about sources of this fear.

I am fearful everyday.  I am fearful I will never get over the loss of my baby.  I am fearful I dont have the strength to do it again.  I am fearful that I dont want to do it again.  I am fearful I wont have a kid.  I am fearful of the world because it has fucked me so many times.  I am fearful I will never be sane again.

3. What are “real” fears in your life and what are the "learned" fears? Where did your family life and/or Mom and Dad teach you to be fearful? Where did they teach you to be avoidant? What was taboo in your household?

Same as #2 - Did my parents teach me to be fearful?  I dont think so.  Maybe they belittled me and maybe that has made me fearful.  They taught me I should stay away from drugs and tattoos and anything that is not classy or not prudent.  They taught me to avoid spending money at all costs. 

4. Where was my mother stuck? Where was my father stuck? Do I get stuck in the same places? If not, do I go out of my way not to get stuck in those places and then overcompensate? Where and how do I see my mother and father's fear, avoidances, stuck places operating in my life? They got stuck with money; The recession hit.  a majority of people have problems with money.  My mom was stuck in her job but she got out of it so...  I guess I have gone out of my way to try to get and keep a job that will not let me go once I am/was tenured.  I guess money does scare me silly.  Not having money makes me very, very angry.  My mother was stuck within herself and anti-social and I did try very hard to not be like her when I was 18 and quickly lost the battle at 19.  It was fun while it lasted.  5. Consider the conflicts that are present in your life. What are the themes of those conflicts? How do you handle them internally/externally? What is your inner dialog when these conflicts arise? What are your deepest fears in the midst of these conflicts? Most of us get defensive during conflict--what are you defending (think about the themes in the conflicts)? How/why do you feel misunderstood in the midst of conflict? What do you feel is important for others to know about you during these conflicts? What/who makes you angry related to the conflicts? How have these conflicts resolved or not resolved? Conflicts= fertility  Theme= fertility  I handle them by telling myself I am worthless, broken, unloveable, not worthy of being a woman or wife.  defensive?  huh? defending the fact that I want a family? how do I feel misunderstood?  The fact that it feels like life is in one great big pause until a baby comes out living for more than three hours.  It feels like people seem to think I should get over a "miscairrage" in one month and move on- that 10 weeks of grieving is too much let alone carry on with it.  They want me to pretend that nothing bad or traumatizing has happened and to go on and live my life like I used to when I dont want to.  I want to throw it all away.  What is important for others to know about me during this conflict?  I dont like seeing babies, hearing about children, or grandchildren, or pregnancies or pregnant people but I need my friends badly anyway.  people who are not cognazant about what they say around me make me angry and people who do say something that can bother me but catch themselves very obviously and then dont lie about what they were going to say but make me more uncofortable by alluding to "it"- seeming to try to extra hurt me- piss me off.  not resolved. quo) can be the enemy of the greater. Think about times when you avoid conflict and explore those in your writing/thinking. I avoid conflict by not quiting my job when I need to for my sanity.  7. What are the things (ideas, habits) that are holding you back? What role does habit play in your life? What are behavioral patterns that hold you back? What might you be trying to avoid? My confidence, or lack there of, holds me back.  8. Where in your life are you still asking for permission? Permission for what? To whom are you asking permission? I still ask permisson for everything from my parents.