surrogacy

So not that I want to talk about it but...
Had a friend volunteer to be our surrogate (in May) and for 2 months kaiser seemed to lead us on that everything would be ok.  and even tried to have me give up on myself as an option and put all my eggs in one basket- the surrogate basket. 
They made us wait and come in and talk to the surrogacy person in charge (June).  A two hour? meeting talking about all that it will entail and how much it would cost.  They told us to have our friend call once she had her period.  We start figuring out the financials and getting mentally prepared.

Of course she gets it while we are on vacation (July) trying to wash our pain and bad memories away... While on vacation we had to contact kaiser 10 times and they didnt get back to us until the day we were home (MEANWHILE I am freaking out cause they said she needs to come in between day 3 and day 7 of her period and Lord knows I didnt want to wait ANOTHER month!) anyway they make an appointment for her to have a saline sonohistagram day 11.  She takes off work- we reschedule all we have to do and the MORNING BEFORE I say "watch them pull something funny like changing the time or cancelling or watch us get there and they are like 'what appointment?'" (they had done this at least 3 times in our 2 months working with them).  Then they call literally 1/2 an hour later and say "sorry, we cant use her as a surrogate.  She has high blood pressure." 

I am like whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.  I am so angry.  They had never seen her, never tested her, never seen any of her medical records...she told us she did have high blood pressure while he mom was dying over a year prior...all of this the doctor knew and said "Sometimes you have to use what you have available." But the kicker was they hadn't ever done an effing blood test or blood pressure test so WTF. 

I blew a gasket and was crushed yet again.  I had put all my hopes and dreams on this even though I knew things could go wrong but I had to be hopeful about something.  I had to make myself look forward to something after the death of my baby.  Something to get me through to the next day.

My husband called them twice and had to convince them to at least see her and they did and she had a fibroid so they said she would be able to do it if she was doing it for herself but that they couldnt do it if she was risking her health for us.  I was still livid that they tried to deny her before they had any medical records or history and/or tests or proof and that they led us on for so long.  I made the doctor aware of my unhappiness and they said they have changed the surrogacy process because of us and that they will now evaluate the surrogate before anything and I am still like HOW effing long have you been doing this? (in my mind)  You have told me you have had lots of surrogates and lot of people using friends as surrogates and this is the first time you did this? SERIOUSLY???  bull @#it.  This is the first time things didnt work out and you terrorized a family- great glad it could be us, effers.  So again my heart was broken and my trust in the medical system was killed yet again.  I wanted nothing to do with doctors or surrogacy.

And I have been trying to heal ever since.