kids

Our kids are almost two now.  It is hard to write anything down due to fear and anxiety and all the mixed emotions that went along that bumpy road of infertility and fetal loss and all the strength it took to give up the seed-sowing journey to another woman.  It was hard to not be able to watch, interact, and be a part of the process of the time, that in history books and on tv shows, say is a time that is to be cherished and special. - a time to hold and bond with your husband and wink and smile at each other giddy with the life that is to come- meanwhile at home in reality we were grieving and post partum and overcome with every negative emotion due to the tragic and frightening and unconscionable horrific and painful horrendous loss of our son.  It was hard to see that the world would bring us joy and it was hard to think that if the world did bring us this joy how suddenly and how soon and painfully would it be taken from us.  As it happened, the babies were born early bringing up all the pain, suffering and sorrow of our previous ptsd.  Fear was a legitimate everyday concern.  Living through travesty and death once again was a huge, looming concern.  All we could do was learn to give it up to the Lord and trust in His plan and His world and His planet and have things go the way He wanted them to, for good or bad.  Placing our scrubbed and sanitized finger in the hot-house enclosure to let the small red creature barely resembling a human baby was all we could do and we did our best to cherish those moments- to cherish those babies while on earth- to love them weather they stayed or went.  Over weeks their health improved but it hasn't been until recently that we have gotten the all clear.  Now we run the risk of crazy, wild, child behavior and keep a keen eye on the slow vocal development.  Feelings of "maybe God will bless us with these babies for some time" now have started to sink in but fear of the unwanted future still lingers below the surface- on walks, in cars, any and all places "how is this day going to end in tragedy" is the haunting ever-present fear.  Prayers and reminders to lift it up to the Lord and He will do what is Best must be ever constant.

30 weeks

30 weeks.
Insanity; still working with it.
Pain is a lot less traumatic.
It has been a year and 5 months; would have thought I would be normal by now.
Surrogacy is no picnic.
Trying to get some excitement and hope going about the blessing of having a surrogate and twins coming but terror and fear still overwhelm me.  Jesus has given me strength each day and I hope it is His Will to help make me a mommy, give my husband some leniency, and heal my brokenness.

20

1 b 1 g

recruiting baby help

Anyone that wants to help let me know!

predesignating jobs if we need the help which we have been told we will

Opa's Jobs/ Jan
vacuuming
emptying garbage
dog walking
feeding dogs
feeding cats
making dog frozen treats
collecting chicken eggs
pool filter


Oma's jobs/ Bob
dishwasher
premaking baby formula
heating bottles
sanitizing nipples and binkies
feeding fish inside and out
chicken food


Random:  Aspen Justin
Mowing
dog poop
groceries
frozen food casseroles

washing machine - Sandy?


Sue has volunteered

14 weeks
she is over vomiting
still has headaches
really bad pain on her right side

I am more scared now than 5 weeks ago

we are on our fourth book trying to prepare
room painted
on the process of getting carpet

We still pray and it help bring peace

positive

bleeding last Sat- took till now to get over it. 7 weeks along with 2.  scared scared scared but praying about it.

failure

Days are so fuzzy and blurry and weeks go by and it is like they never were.  Head, heart, husband hurt.  Praying on top of prayers.  Grief group through church helps.  Feeling like a failure at life, at living, and getting through grief, at procreating, and giving to my husband what I "promised" through marriage.  Finding each day easier since April 3rd but harder at the same time.