Dear Doctor Haripotepornkul MD,
I know on most days your job must be quite rewarding. On the day I visited, it was not. I must thank you for your kindness, your gentleness, your straight-forwardness. On the day I met you my soul was ripped from my heart. I can look back and laugh at everyday that I had cried before that day. I have to thank you for your care. I have to thank you for explaining so softly, with your gentle voice, what was to come. I must thank you for your small hands that made each examination that much easier. I must thank you for the tears you cried when you popped my sack and pulled my moving, live baby from me with the knowledge he was going to die. Those tears, that heartbreak in your face, helped make me feel like I was not just another number. I could tell you were heartbroken yourself; It meant so much that you cried alongside me.
You took the extra effort to come back and to remove my placenta that did not want to budge. You came back three times. You came back and stayed with me even after your release time to be with me and stay with me and make sure that placenta was good and gone. You knew my pain and knew I didnt want anyone but you. You kept checking on me even though you could have passed me on to the next person. You knew the next doctor was going to be male and you knew I was uncomfortable with it. I said once I would prefer a female and you hunted me down a woman doctor willing to work with me and a female nurse-in-training to work with me and my dying baby. I can't say how I wouldnt have wanted ANY OTHER doctor to have helped me through the most devastating day of my life. In all the anger, pain and sadness I carry with me, it is with happiness that I can say that on that day I am glad that you were my doctor. I do have one thing to have been grateful for and that is that you were working that evening and through the night. I am grateful for your care.
Friday, September 28, 2012
The Lost Fight
Blood
of me
riped from my
soul
torn from my
heart
forced from my
body
two years of self-inflicted
pain
for a lifetime of
nightmares, anguish, and fear
of me
riped from my
soul
torn from my
heart
forced from my
body
two years of self-inflicted
pain
for a lifetime of
nightmares, anguish, and fear
Monday, September 10, 2012
hysteroscopy
In June I found out I had uterine scar tissue; another soul-crushing blow. I had thought that maybe in Sept I would be trying again in tandem with a surrogate. This killed that hope. Having my privates messed with again gives me PTSD. The Sacramento operation had a three month waiting list (we got in at two months - in Folsom- because of a cancellation). The doctor told us it would take my uterus two months to heal internally before we could proceed with any next steps.
Of course the wait was nerve wracking. Meanwhile I had/have PTSD when it came to hospitals, doctors, people near my vagina. Feeling like there is/was still something more/extra wrong with my women parts hurt my soul more. I just wanted fixed whatever I could have fixed, whatever I had control over fixing. It is scary thinking i could get pregnant (1% chance) and have another baby die on me because of scar tissue.
The pre-op phone call- one week before:
I thought it would be informative. I thought I would be informed and have all my questions answered. I was sick of looking things up on-line and seeing the bad stuff such as perhaps things like "woman dies from hysteroscopy" or "50% of hysteroscopies are successful" or some such thing. I wanted to know how long it would take me to heal from the pain, how long would the operation would take, what I could and couldn't do.
Of course I dont get a single question answered- oh, no. Instead a rude lady, who knew nothing about my person history, who didnt even know what operation I was undertaking and who definitely didnt know I lost a baby at five months and really could care less because she had 20 other people to call before she went home to her shitty life. I had to answer the "150 questions" about family health and history that I literally had to answer twice already from the IVF and surrogacy stuff (4 pages of paper work each time and should really be readily available on my medical effing chart on the computer)...but I had to do it verbally this time- stupid. and heartbreaking.
THEN THEN THEN THEN she wants to ask me about what medications I am taking. I say ambien to help me sleep and then she says she needs to go over what is on my medications history. ok. and she starts asking me about each individual IVF medication- I say things to indicated 'hey, this is tough, this is from IVF, that is from IVF, she doesnt care and just wants me to shut up and say yes or no. bitc* dont you know I lost a baby- whor*...but NO she doesnt know anything. Progesterone- are you taking it? that it is for... Aspirin, are you taking it? it is for... Are you taking estrogen, it is for... then all the medication I had for morning sickness that didnt ever help. Zofran..it is for... SERIOUSLY KAISER? Can YOU NOT HavE a column of past drugs? Can you not look through the list and see if there would be any that would interact badly with the operation drugs and just quickly ask about those? I wanted to throw the phone and hurt the bitc* and break something. Ill rub salt in your wounds, whor*. Anyway, good thing the husband was there so I could give the phone to him. I said "I'm sorry I cant talk to you anymore" started crying AND She almost didnt let him answer the questions for me. he tried to get through 10 more IVF drugs effing Kaiser retard shit. Then she needed me on the phone 5 minutes later and by then I had tried to compose myself. It took me a week to get over this.
Pre-Op apt 2 days before:
It was pointless. It wasnt needed. It could have been done over the phone. Why did we need to drive 2 hours for this? Well, I guess he did look to see if the scar tissue was still there- and yes, it was. He didnt tell me I would get an effing breathing tube down my throat when they put me under and that I would need soar throat drops for more than a week. And he really should have said "get alka seltzer, ginger juice, soup, and tea" He said "your tummy might be a little upset for a day or so" so I thought ok A LITTLE. WRONG. about four days of upset tummy.
I guess It was good that we went because THEY TOLD US THE TIME and of course they changed it WITHOUT TELLING us (fourth time in the 8th month of working with them). So, one and 1/2 days before the operation we are left with trying to change everything around AGAIN- like no one has a job or anything.
operation day:
get up at 4
to leave at 5
to get to FOLSOM by 630 AM
Husbands parents were there to support us both (too early now for my parents and apparently I am not worth it- who cares if I die from some strange mess up)
I am glad they were there to talk with husband while I was under
I am glad they were there to talk to me while they were prepping me in the bed
and glad they were there when I woke up
nurse rushed us out of there in a hurry all rude while I was still groggy and could barely walk and she dressed my naked self- weird. and said I am dressing you and doing it the way I want- ooooh k so glad you are the one helping me
healing:
throat hurt for over a weak
no heavy drugs needed- yay
cervix felt soar and strange for 7 days and a couple of instances after
swimming bothered me on day 4 even though they said I could shower and bathe
swimming was fine on day 6
didn't feel normal until day 8.
Doctor told husband I would be ready for starting the whole mess over again in a week (not two months)...
oh sure scrape me up and tell me this -
ugh
Of course the wait was nerve wracking. Meanwhile I had/have PTSD when it came to hospitals, doctors, people near my vagina. Feeling like there is/was still something more/extra wrong with my women parts hurt my soul more. I just wanted fixed whatever I could have fixed, whatever I had control over fixing. It is scary thinking i could get pregnant (1% chance) and have another baby die on me because of scar tissue.
The pre-op phone call- one week before:
I thought it would be informative. I thought I would be informed and have all my questions answered. I was sick of looking things up on-line and seeing the bad stuff such as perhaps things like "woman dies from hysteroscopy" or "50% of hysteroscopies are successful" or some such thing. I wanted to know how long it would take me to heal from the pain, how long would the operation would take, what I could and couldn't do.
Of course I dont get a single question answered- oh, no. Instead a rude lady, who knew nothing about my person history, who didnt even know what operation I was undertaking and who definitely didnt know I lost a baby at five months and really could care less because she had 20 other people to call before she went home to her shitty life. I had to answer the "150 questions" about family health and history that I literally had to answer twice already from the IVF and surrogacy stuff (4 pages of paper work each time and should really be readily available on my medical effing chart on the computer)...but I had to do it verbally this time- stupid. and heartbreaking.
THEN THEN THEN THEN she wants to ask me about what medications I am taking. I say ambien to help me sleep and then she says she needs to go over what is on my medications history. ok. and she starts asking me about each individual IVF medication- I say things to indicated 'hey, this is tough, this is from IVF, that is from IVF, she doesnt care and just wants me to shut up and say yes or no. bitc* dont you know I lost a baby- whor*...but NO she doesnt know anything. Progesterone- are you taking it? that it is for... Aspirin, are you taking it? it is for... Are you taking estrogen, it is for... then all the medication I had for morning sickness that didnt ever help. Zofran..it is for... SERIOUSLY KAISER? Can YOU NOT HavE a column of past drugs? Can you not look through the list and see if there would be any that would interact badly with the operation drugs and just quickly ask about those? I wanted to throw the phone and hurt the bitc* and break something. Ill rub salt in your wounds, whor*. Anyway, good thing the husband was there so I could give the phone to him. I said "I'm sorry I cant talk to you anymore" started crying AND She almost didnt let him answer the questions for me. he tried to get through 10 more IVF drugs effing Kaiser retard shit. Then she needed me on the phone 5 minutes later and by then I had tried to compose myself. It took me a week to get over this.
Pre-Op apt 2 days before:
It was pointless. It wasnt needed. It could have been done over the phone. Why did we need to drive 2 hours for this? Well, I guess he did look to see if the scar tissue was still there- and yes, it was. He didnt tell me I would get an effing breathing tube down my throat when they put me under and that I would need soar throat drops for more than a week. And he really should have said "get alka seltzer, ginger juice, soup, and tea" He said "your tummy might be a little upset for a day or so" so I thought ok A LITTLE. WRONG. about four days of upset tummy.
I guess It was good that we went because THEY TOLD US THE TIME and of course they changed it WITHOUT TELLING us (fourth time in the 8th month of working with them). So, one and 1/2 days before the operation we are left with trying to change everything around AGAIN- like no one has a job or anything.
operation day:
get up at 4
to leave at 5
to get to FOLSOM by 630 AM
Husbands parents were there to support us both (too early now for my parents and apparently I am not worth it- who cares if I die from some strange mess up)
I am glad they were there to talk with husband while I was under
I am glad they were there to talk to me while they were prepping me in the bed
and glad they were there when I woke up
nurse rushed us out of there in a hurry all rude while I was still groggy and could barely walk and she dressed my naked self- weird. and said I am dressing you and doing it the way I want- ooooh k so glad you are the one helping me
healing:
throat hurt for over a weak
no heavy drugs needed- yay
cervix felt soar and strange for 7 days and a couple of instances after
swimming bothered me on day 4 even though they said I could shower and bathe
swimming was fine on day 6
didn't feel normal until day 8.
Doctor told husband I would be ready for starting the whole mess over again in a week (not two months)...
oh sure scrape me up and tell me this -
ugh
surrogacy
So not that I want to talk about it but...
Had a friend volunteer to be our surrogate (in May) and for 2 months kaiser seemed to lead us on that everything would be ok. and even tried to have me give up on myself as an option and put all my eggs in one basket- the surrogate basket.
They made us wait and come in and talk to the surrogacy person in charge (June). A two hour? meeting talking about all that it will entail and how much it would cost. They told us to have our friend call once she had her period. We start figuring out the financials and getting mentally prepared.
Of course she gets it while we are on vacation (July) trying to wash our pain and bad memories away... While on vacation we had to contact kaiser 10 times and they didnt get back to us until the day we were home (MEANWHILE I am freaking out cause they said she needs to come in between day 3 and day 7 of her period and Lord knows I didnt want to wait ANOTHER month!) anyway they make an appointment for her to have a saline sonohistagram day 11. She takes off work- we reschedule all we have to do and the MORNING BEFORE I say "watch them pull something funny like changing the time or cancelling or watch us get there and they are like 'what appointment?'" (they had done this at least 3 times in our 2 months working with them). Then they call literally 1/2 an hour later and say "sorry, we cant use her as a surrogate. She has high blood pressure."
I am like whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I am so angry. They had never seen her, never tested her, never seen any of her medical records...she told us she did have high blood pressure while he mom was dying over a year prior...all of this the doctor knew and said "Sometimes you have to use what you have available." But the kicker was they hadn't ever done an effing blood test or blood pressure test so WTF.
I blew a gasket and was crushed yet again. I had put all my hopes and dreams on this even though I knew things could go wrong but I had to be hopeful about something. I had to make myself look forward to something after the death of my baby. Something to get me through to the next day.
My husband called them twice and had to convince them to at least see her and they did and she had a fibroid so they said she would be able to do it if she was doing it for herself but that they couldnt do it if she was risking her health for us. I was still livid that they tried to deny her before they had any medical records or history and/or tests or proof and that they led us on for so long. I made the doctor aware of my unhappiness and they said they have changed the surrogacy process because of us and that they will now evaluate the surrogate before anything and I am still like HOW effing long have you been doing this? (in my mind) You have told me you have had lots of surrogates and lot of people using friends as surrogates and this is the first time you did this? SERIOUSLY??? bull @#it. This is the first time things didnt work out and you terrorized a family- great glad it could be us, effers. So again my heart was broken and my trust in the medical system was killed yet again. I wanted nothing to do with doctors or surrogacy.
And I have been trying to heal ever since.
Had a friend volunteer to be our surrogate (in May) and for 2 months kaiser seemed to lead us on that everything would be ok. and even tried to have me give up on myself as an option and put all my eggs in one basket- the surrogate basket.
They made us wait and come in and talk to the surrogacy person in charge (June). A two hour? meeting talking about all that it will entail and how much it would cost. They told us to have our friend call once she had her period. We start figuring out the financials and getting mentally prepared.
Of course she gets it while we are on vacation (July) trying to wash our pain and bad memories away... While on vacation we had to contact kaiser 10 times and they didnt get back to us until the day we were home (MEANWHILE I am freaking out cause they said she needs to come in between day 3 and day 7 of her period and Lord knows I didnt want to wait ANOTHER month!) anyway they make an appointment for her to have a saline sonohistagram day 11. She takes off work- we reschedule all we have to do and the MORNING BEFORE I say "watch them pull something funny like changing the time or cancelling or watch us get there and they are like 'what appointment?'" (they had done this at least 3 times in our 2 months working with them). Then they call literally 1/2 an hour later and say "sorry, we cant use her as a surrogate. She has high blood pressure."
I am like whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I am so angry. They had never seen her, never tested her, never seen any of her medical records...she told us she did have high blood pressure while he mom was dying over a year prior...all of this the doctor knew and said "Sometimes you have to use what you have available." But the kicker was they hadn't ever done an effing blood test or blood pressure test so WTF.
I blew a gasket and was crushed yet again. I had put all my hopes and dreams on this even though I knew things could go wrong but I had to be hopeful about something. I had to make myself look forward to something after the death of my baby. Something to get me through to the next day.
My husband called them twice and had to convince them to at least see her and they did and she had a fibroid so they said she would be able to do it if she was doing it for herself but that they couldnt do it if she was risking her health for us. I was still livid that they tried to deny her before they had any medical records or history and/or tests or proof and that they led us on for so long. I made the doctor aware of my unhappiness and they said they have changed the surrogacy process because of us and that they will now evaluate the surrogate before anything and I am still like HOW effing long have you been doing this? (in my mind) You have told me you have had lots of surrogates and lot of people using friends as surrogates and this is the first time you did this? SERIOUSLY??? bull @#it. This is the first time things didnt work out and you terrorized a family- great glad it could be us, effers. So again my heart was broken and my trust in the medical system was killed yet again. I wanted nothing to do with doctors or surrogacy.
And I have been trying to heal ever since.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)