failure

Days are so fuzzy and blurry and weeks go by and it is like they never were.  Head, heart, husband hurt.  Praying on top of prayers.  Grief group through church helps.  Feeling like a failure at life, at living, and getting through grief, at procreating, and giving to my husband what I "promised" through marriage.  Finding each day easier since April 3rd but harder at the same time.

nope

negative

$26,000 gone and nothing
on one 100% Blast
and one 95% A quality Blast

11 left

waiting

here to there

528 pages have been read and looked over. 400 have been signed or initialed. 35 have been overly filled out. blood tests galore. All of the rest of our life-strength is now with the escrow peeps, the company, kaiser and our womb-mom.  approx 5 emails a workday since 10/15 -it is now 12/14 (5 x 44= 220 emails min)  9 skype sessions, two doctor visits, and a few phone calls...we are getting closer.  I can see this happening.  I don't know where the money will come from but I am lifting that up to the Lord.

K

K is on day 11 of her BC and is feeling tired, lethargic, emotional, cry-face and bloated.  She is willing to push through but is not thrilled about the BC.  It is nice to know that I am not the only one effected!  She still seems in good spirits and really cute.


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/01/31/keith-urban-nicole-kidmans-daughter-faith-surrogate-birth-inspired-name_n_816192.html

Trying for surrogacy

So at this point oodles of money is going into this next venture. 
We have signed our life away.
We are just praying it works out.
We have Skyped with our surrogate and she seems great.
Lots of paper work, lots of risks...

I had a nightmare the other night that the Dr defrosted all our little embryos and our womb-mom wasn't ready and all was lost.  It is so scary.

So much pain and loss up to this point.  It is very hard to have hope!