Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Monday, October 1, 2012
Humanity at its finest
It feel like I have some sort of cancer slowly killing me. I recoup and recover and then find myself succumbing to this disease of depression over and over and the saddest part is that no one is here for me. I know a retired teacher, that I have met with three times, that has decided to befriend me recently but friends, family and coworkers have all abandoned me. I try to wrap my head around it; they all have lives...no one likes dealing with sad people. But even I have sent at least minimal text messages or emails to acquaintances that I know have suffered or are suffering and I do this even still in my pain and anguish.
It is strange. I dont find myself to have a personality people dont like or can't handle. Most people say I am kind and sweet and some people think I am outgoing. So this makes it hard to contemplate being dumped. If I run into someone they practically start tearing up and say things like "You are so nice and have always been so wonderful. It is a shame that this has happened to you." So then?
It is sad that I have built my life on a career that gives so much and yet from this world I receive so little. I didn't go into it thinking 'Oh, I am going to receive so much' but in a time of crisis I would expect a little more than no one...a little more than two weeks later and we have forgotten about you.
I have one friend that makes sure to text me every three weeks and a husband who I have not been able to chase away no mater how angry, volatile, or sad I get. I should be grateful for at least that and I am. But when I do go back to work how do I face those people who have smiled at me and have had conversations with me and have been my work family for 9 years and in 5 months I have heard nothing from them. They have my email, they can easily get my phone or home address. I 'get' June and July but really - you find out I am not going to work this year and you dont check in? WHO DOESN'T DO THAT?
And when I do go back, if I am so lucky, there will be NO MORE smiles, NO MORE hello's, NO MORE listening to your trite troubles....and don't you dare say 'Welcome back' or I might just say 'FUCK OFF! where were you when I wanted to die?' and the sad thing is no mater how angry I am...I still care and I can still show it- and no mater how much I WANT TO STOP CARING i am better than most-to-all the people in my life cause I still care and I still check in. The last 2 1/2 years I may have been a little slack but most people arent busy getting their dreams crushed, pulverized maybe, hindered maybe, but sucked dry not so. I still ask my friend how her dad is doing when he has cancer. I tell my boss four months later that I am still thinking about her and her loss of her husband. etc etc etc I mother effing check in. I ask how people are doing after their dog dies. I email, I send a card and I still check in. BUT I AM DONE or I am as done as I can be. I am done giving.
It is strange. I dont find myself to have a personality people dont like or can't handle. Most people say I am kind and sweet and some people think I am outgoing. So this makes it hard to contemplate being dumped. If I run into someone they practically start tearing up and say things like "You are so nice and have always been so wonderful. It is a shame that this has happened to you." So then?
It is sad that I have built my life on a career that gives so much and yet from this world I receive so little. I didn't go into it thinking 'Oh, I am going to receive so much' but in a time of crisis I would expect a little more than no one...a little more than two weeks later and we have forgotten about you.
I have one friend that makes sure to text me every three weeks and a husband who I have not been able to chase away no mater how angry, volatile, or sad I get. I should be grateful for at least that and I am. But when I do go back to work how do I face those people who have smiled at me and have had conversations with me and have been my work family for 9 years and in 5 months I have heard nothing from them. They have my email, they can easily get my phone or home address. I 'get' June and July but really - you find out I am not going to work this year and you dont check in? WHO DOESN'T DO THAT?
And when I do go back, if I am so lucky, there will be NO MORE smiles, NO MORE hello's, NO MORE listening to your trite troubles....and don't you dare say 'Welcome back' or I might just say 'FUCK OFF! where were you when I wanted to die?' and the sad thing is no mater how angry I am...I still care and I can still show it- and no mater how much I WANT TO STOP CARING i am better than most-to-all the people in my life cause I still care and I still check in. The last 2 1/2 years I may have been a little slack but most people arent busy getting their dreams crushed, pulverized maybe, hindered maybe, but sucked dry not so. I still ask my friend how her dad is doing when he has cancer. I tell my boss four months later that I am still thinking about her and her loss of her husband. etc etc etc I mother effing check in. I ask how people are doing after their dog dies. I email, I send a card and I still check in. BUT I AM DONE or I am as done as I can be. I am done giving.
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