negative

$26,000 gone and nothing
on one 100% Blast
and one 95% A quality Blast

11 left

waiting

here to there

528 pages have been read and looked over. 400 have been signed or initialed. 35 have been overly filled out. blood tests galore. All of the rest of our life-strength is now with the escrow peeps, the company, kaiser and our womb-mom.  approx 5 emails a workday since 10/15 -it is now 12/14 (5 x 44= 220 emails min)  9 skype sessions, two doctor visits, and a few phone calls...we are getting closer.  I can see this happening.  I don't know where the money will come from but I am lifting that up to the Lord.

K

K is on day 11 of her BC and is feeling tired, lethargic, emotional, cry-face and bloated.  She is willing to push through but is not thrilled about the BC.  It is nice to know that I am not the only one effected!  She still seems in good spirits and really cute.


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/01/31/keith-urban-nicole-kidmans-daughter-faith-surrogate-birth-inspired-name_n_816192.html

Trying for surrogacy

So at this point oodles of money is going into this next venture. 
We have signed our life away.
We are just praying it works out.
We have Skyped with our surrogate and she seems great.
Lots of paper work, lots of risks...

I had a nightmare the other night that the Dr defrosted all our little embryos and our womb-mom wasn't ready and all was lost.  It is so scary.

So much pain and loss up to this point.  It is very hard to have hope!

Pictures we sent our surrogate #2

Humanity at its finest

     It feel like I have some sort of cancer slowly killing me.  I recoup and recover and then find myself succumbing to this disease of depression over and over and the saddest part is that no one is here for me.  I know a retired teacher, that I have met with three times, that has decided to befriend me recently but friends, family and coworkers have all abandoned me.  I try to wrap my head around it; they all have lives...no one likes dealing with sad people.  But even I have sent at least minimal text messages or emails to acquaintances that I know have suffered or are suffering and I do this even still in my pain and anguish.
    It is strange. I dont find myself to have a personality people dont like or can't handle.  Most people say I am kind and sweet and some people think I am outgoing.  So this makes it hard to contemplate being dumped.  If I run into someone they practically start tearing up and say things like  "You are so nice and have always been so wonderful.  It is a shame that this has happened to you."  So then?
    It is sad that I have built my life on a career that gives so much and yet from this world I receive so little.  I didn't go into it thinking 'Oh, I am going to receive so much' but in a time of crisis I would expect a little more than no one...a little more than two weeks later and we have forgotten about you.
   I have one friend that makes sure to text me  every three weeks and a husband who I have not been able to chase away no mater how angry, volatile, or sad I get.  I should be grateful for at least that and I am.  But when I do go back to work how do I face those people who have smiled at me and have had conversations with me and have been my work family for 9 years and in 5 months I have heard nothing from them.  They have my email, they can easily get my phone or home address.  I 'get' June and July but really -  you find out I am not going to work this year and you dont check in?  WHO DOESN'T DO THAT?

    And when I do go back, if I am so lucky,  there will be NO MORE smiles,  NO MORE hello's, NO MORE listening to your trite troubles....and don't you dare say 'Welcome back' or I might just say 'FUCK OFF! where were you when I wanted to die?'  and the sad thing is no mater how angry I am...I still care and I can still show it- and no mater how much I WANT TO STOP CARING i am better than  most-to-all the people in my life cause I still care and I still check in. The last 2 1/2 years I may have been a little slack but most people arent busy getting their dreams crushed, pulverized maybe, hindered maybe, but sucked dry not so. I still ask my friend how her dad is doing when he has cancer.  I tell my boss  four months later that I am still thinking about her and her loss of her husband.  etc etc etc  I mother effing check in.  I ask how people are doing after their dog dies.  I email,  I send a card and I still check in.  BUT I AM DONE or I am as done as I can be.  I am done giving.