528 pages have been read and looked over. 400 have been signed or initialed. 35 have been overly filled out. blood tests galore. All of the rest of our life-strength is now with the escrow peeps, the company, kaiser and our womb-mom. approx 5 emails a workday since 10/15 -it is now 12/14 (5 x 44= 220 emails min) 9 skype sessions, two doctor visits, and a few phone calls...we are getting closer. I can see this happening. I don't know where the money will come from but I am lifting that up to the Lord.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Monday, November 26, 2012
K
K is on day 11 of her BC and is feeling tired, lethargic, emotional, cry-face and bloated. She is willing to push through but is not thrilled about the BC. It is nice to know that I am not the only one effected! She still seems in good spirits and really cute.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/01/31/keith-urban-nicole-kidmans-daughter-faith-surrogate-birth-inspired-name_n_816192.html
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/01/31/keith-urban-nicole-kidmans-daughter-faith-surrogate-birth-inspired-name_n_816192.html
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Trying for surrogacy
So at this point oodles of money is going into this next venture.
We have signed our life away.
We are just praying it works out.
We have Skyped with our surrogate and she seems great.
Lots of paper work, lots of risks...
I had a nightmare the other night that the Dr defrosted all our little embryos and our womb-mom wasn't ready and all was lost. It is so scary.
So much pain and loss up to this point. It is very hard to have hope!
We have signed our life away.
We are just praying it works out.
We have Skyped with our surrogate and she seems great.
Lots of paper work, lots of risks...
I had a nightmare the other night that the Dr defrosted all our little embryos and our womb-mom wasn't ready and all was lost. It is so scary.
So much pain and loss up to this point. It is very hard to have hope!
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Monday, October 1, 2012
Humanity at its finest
It feel like I have some sort of cancer slowly killing me. I recoup and recover and then find myself succumbing to this disease of depression over and over and the saddest part is that no one is here for me. I know a retired teacher, that I have met with three times, that has decided to befriend me recently but friends, family and coworkers have all abandoned me. I try to wrap my head around it; they all have lives...no one likes dealing with sad people. But even I have sent at least minimal text messages or emails to acquaintances that I know have suffered or are suffering and I do this even still in my pain and anguish.
It is strange. I dont find myself to have a personality people dont like or can't handle. Most people say I am kind and sweet and some people think I am outgoing. So this makes it hard to contemplate being dumped. If I run into someone they practically start tearing up and say things like "You are so nice and have always been so wonderful. It is a shame that this has happened to you." So then?
It is sad that I have built my life on a career that gives so much and yet from this world I receive so little. I didn't go into it thinking 'Oh, I am going to receive so much' but in a time of crisis I would expect a little more than no one...a little more than two weeks later and we have forgotten about you.
I have one friend that makes sure to text me every three weeks and a husband who I have not been able to chase away no mater how angry, volatile, or sad I get. I should be grateful for at least that and I am. But when I do go back to work how do I face those people who have smiled at me and have had conversations with me and have been my work family for 9 years and in 5 months I have heard nothing from them. They have my email, they can easily get my phone or home address. I 'get' June and July but really - you find out I am not going to work this year and you dont check in? WHO DOESN'T DO THAT?
And when I do go back, if I am so lucky, there will be NO MORE smiles, NO MORE hello's, NO MORE listening to your trite troubles....and don't you dare say 'Welcome back' or I might just say 'FUCK OFF! where were you when I wanted to die?' and the sad thing is no mater how angry I am...I still care and I can still show it- and no mater how much I WANT TO STOP CARING i am better than most-to-all the people in my life cause I still care and I still check in. The last 2 1/2 years I may have been a little slack but most people arent busy getting their dreams crushed, pulverized maybe, hindered maybe, but sucked dry not so. I still ask my friend how her dad is doing when he has cancer. I tell my boss four months later that I am still thinking about her and her loss of her husband. etc etc etc I mother effing check in. I ask how people are doing after their dog dies. I email, I send a card and I still check in. BUT I AM DONE or I am as done as I can be. I am done giving.
It is strange. I dont find myself to have a personality people dont like or can't handle. Most people say I am kind and sweet and some people think I am outgoing. So this makes it hard to contemplate being dumped. If I run into someone they practically start tearing up and say things like "You are so nice and have always been so wonderful. It is a shame that this has happened to you." So then?
It is sad that I have built my life on a career that gives so much and yet from this world I receive so little. I didn't go into it thinking 'Oh, I am going to receive so much' but in a time of crisis I would expect a little more than no one...a little more than two weeks later and we have forgotten about you.
I have one friend that makes sure to text me every three weeks and a husband who I have not been able to chase away no mater how angry, volatile, or sad I get. I should be grateful for at least that and I am. But when I do go back to work how do I face those people who have smiled at me and have had conversations with me and have been my work family for 9 years and in 5 months I have heard nothing from them. They have my email, they can easily get my phone or home address. I 'get' June and July but really - you find out I am not going to work this year and you dont check in? WHO DOESN'T DO THAT?
And when I do go back, if I am so lucky, there will be NO MORE smiles, NO MORE hello's, NO MORE listening to your trite troubles....and don't you dare say 'Welcome back' or I might just say 'FUCK OFF! where were you when I wanted to die?' and the sad thing is no mater how angry I am...I still care and I can still show it- and no mater how much I WANT TO STOP CARING i am better than most-to-all the people in my life cause I still care and I still check in. The last 2 1/2 years I may have been a little slack but most people arent busy getting their dreams crushed, pulverized maybe, hindered maybe, but sucked dry not so. I still ask my friend how her dad is doing when he has cancer. I tell my boss four months later that I am still thinking about her and her loss of her husband. etc etc etc I mother effing check in. I ask how people are doing after their dog dies. I email, I send a card and I still check in. BUT I AM DONE or I am as done as I can be. I am done giving.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Dear Doctor Haripotepornkul MD,
Dear Doctor Haripotepornkul MD,
I know on most days your job must be quite rewarding. On the day I visited, it was not. I must thank you for your kindness, your gentleness, your straight-forwardness. On the day I met you my soul was ripped from my heart. I can look back and laugh at everyday that I had cried before that day. I have to thank you for your care. I have to thank you for explaining so softly, with your gentle voice, what was to come. I must thank you for your small hands that made each examination that much easier. I must thank you for the tears you cried when you popped my sack and pulled my moving, live baby from me with the knowledge he was going to die. Those tears, that heartbreak in your face, helped make me feel like I was not just another number. I could tell you were heartbroken yourself; It meant so much that you cried alongside me.
You took the extra effort to come back and to remove my placenta that did not want to budge. You came back three times. You came back and stayed with me even after your release time to be with me and stay with me and make sure that placenta was good and gone. You knew my pain and knew I didnt want anyone but you. You kept checking on me even though you could have passed me on to the next person. You knew the next doctor was going to be male and you knew I was uncomfortable with it. I said once I would prefer a female and you hunted me down a woman doctor willing to work with me and a female nurse-in-training to work with me and my dying baby. I can't say how I wouldnt have wanted ANY OTHER doctor to have helped me through the most devastating day of my life. In all the anger, pain and sadness I carry with me, it is with happiness that I can say that on that day I am glad that you were my doctor. I do have one thing to have been grateful for and that is that you were working that evening and through the night. I am grateful for your care.
I know on most days your job must be quite rewarding. On the day I visited, it was not. I must thank you for your kindness, your gentleness, your straight-forwardness. On the day I met you my soul was ripped from my heart. I can look back and laugh at everyday that I had cried before that day. I have to thank you for your care. I have to thank you for explaining so softly, with your gentle voice, what was to come. I must thank you for your small hands that made each examination that much easier. I must thank you for the tears you cried when you popped my sack and pulled my moving, live baby from me with the knowledge he was going to die. Those tears, that heartbreak in your face, helped make me feel like I was not just another number. I could tell you were heartbroken yourself; It meant so much that you cried alongside me.
You took the extra effort to come back and to remove my placenta that did not want to budge. You came back three times. You came back and stayed with me even after your release time to be with me and stay with me and make sure that placenta was good and gone. You knew my pain and knew I didnt want anyone but you. You kept checking on me even though you could have passed me on to the next person. You knew the next doctor was going to be male and you knew I was uncomfortable with it. I said once I would prefer a female and you hunted me down a woman doctor willing to work with me and a female nurse-in-training to work with me and my dying baby. I can't say how I wouldnt have wanted ANY OTHER doctor to have helped me through the most devastating day of my life. In all the anger, pain and sadness I carry with me, it is with happiness that I can say that on that day I am glad that you were my doctor. I do have one thing to have been grateful for and that is that you were working that evening and through the night. I am grateful for your care.
The Lost Fight
Blood
of me
riped from my
soul
torn from my
heart
forced from my
body
two years of self-inflicted
pain
for a lifetime of
nightmares, anguish, and fear
of me
riped from my
soul
torn from my
heart
forced from my
body
two years of self-inflicted
pain
for a lifetime of
nightmares, anguish, and fear
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